first weeks over

i made a lot of changes in such a short amount of time and im so proud of myself for it. It was so strange but over break i just realized that i wasnt happy and i was sick of feeling that way. I dont really know what changes i made but basically i told myself that i wasnt going to live to anyone elses standards or expectations. I decided to really look inside for the answers. its worked out really well so far. i am more comfortable being on my own and i make more decisions based on what i want not what i think i 'should' do.
oh yea and i broke up with gary, boyfriend on and off for four years. they were good they were bad but now they are over. im not sure if it was right or wrong but i feel good. i feel stronger. i miss him and i miss the safety and comfort and all the good stuff but all in all im not sad. meanwhile i am sort of seeing matt but they are two separate worlds to me. well to be honest everyone is a separate world to me. anyway im proud of myself. i went to these workout classes at the rec all by myself!! i went grocery shopping by myself and i paid for my own groceries! i got a freelance online job thingy thats a long story but anyway i did it by myself! im becoming so much stronger and more comfortable just doing what i want.
i have realized that the world is just some crazy messed up place of people doing what they do as a product of a bunch of other shit. does that make sense? well in my head it seems like the answer. who cares what the answers are? who even created those questions anyway. im just kind of doing my own thing, trying to find some self esteem and confidence.
classes are great, im taking entomology, floral design, plant pathology, running, pilates, three labs and a lecture class thing. im talking to strangers without any expectations, i just want to pass on a little peace.


you have to realize that you are responsible for where you are at and for where your life is at. how you are is the result of your past decisions and if you dont like the way you are, you can, with little effort of will, change your decisions for a while and you will change into being another way.
you have to do it inside yourself; a good moral structure imposed from the outside is totalitarianism. if you do it, you'll hook in with other folks doing it. you have to make interior decisions when nobody's looking; all by yourself, in your head, take full responsibility for what you are about to do and do the best you can. and after you do it awhile youll begin to expect it of yourself.

what a hypocrite

although ive always hated on blogging... im doing it for team team. and i guess for myself. since its the new year ill copy julie and think about some new years resolutions. god i swear sometimes that julie and i are the same person.

my lifes pretty fucked up right now but im trying my best to ignore it. see i think everyones life is probably fucked up they just dont care as much. i seem to care way more about every little thing that ever crosses my mind. so my new years goal is to be a little more apathetic. probably a little different than most peoples resolutions but who the fuck cares. see im doing well already! im also going to try to be a little more selfish. like instead of doing what makes gary happy, or what makes my mom happy, or what looks good to people around me, im just gonna go ahead and do what makes me happy. even if its an impulsive mistake. so my second goal is to make a mistake. it shouldnt be that hard.

i want to make my own happiness. and be independent. and not cry everytime someone hurts my feelings. im going to tough shit out. lifes a lot more difficult than they taught you in elementary school. what the fuck is up with that!! we need to teach kids some practical information, i swear i didnt learn a thing in public school, just the disney version of life. god im a cynic. okay my third resolution is to be more upbeat! fuck yea!