today is my bday!! im feeling sad that i am no longer a teenager but im also very happy to be in my twenties. i feel like it suits me. ive been very comfortable with each year i get older, i feel prepared and excited, i hope this cycle continues so that when i turn 35 i wont freak the fuck out bc thats old!!! its kind of sad that im not doing any thing for my birthday. matt is in austin (oh yea we are back together hahaha and he said i love you FINALLY) and taylor and scott are in dallas for a britney spears concert and so that leaves me in cs by my lonesome. but its actaully all good because i have a g (julie a g is a gram of WEED) and tons of hmwrk to do and a cake to bake so it works!
i need a job really freaking soon because i am so broke i cant even really afford to eat right now soo... i am jealous of all the stupid little freshman at A&M with mealplans and aggie bucks bc they can afford lunch :(. also i love post secret. julie i hope you can come visit me over the summer sometime, ill return the favor!!
any job ideas?!?!?!?!?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
trust in the universe <3
so matt broke up with me. i cried for like a day and then went to my fitness training class and during it i realized that i had completely forgotten about it! i also watched this video about the best way to deal with a break up that this gay guy 'davey wavey' made and it was amazing! it helped me so much. he talked about how every relationship ends whether by break up divorce or death and that you shouldnt gauge a relationship by the amount of time you were in it but by what you learned about yourself and how youve grown. i realized matt changed my life, in fact he kind of saved my life!! he rescued me from becoming another brainwashed middle class white girl, he introduced me to drugs which opened my world to acceptance love experimentation acceptance and just plain dealing. he redifined my reality and for that i will always be thankful. although im handling this break up exceptionally well i am still very frustrated with mathew. see i know that he is making a mistake haha. basically i think he only wants a break and i wouldnt be surprised if one day we got back together when he has a car. maybe him and i just think differently but for me i know i love matt and i want to be with him through the hard times too but he is different and just wants a break. i dont know if i will want to get back together with him when that day comes but for now im really trying to accept what i cant change. its hard but im so very proud of myself for handling this so maturely. i havent run to gary. although some of my friends have been pretty fucking unhelpful (kendall, whitney) i am coming through it stronger and more independant with more self love!! also i met my tall sexy neighbor today and i now have a crush so that helps everything.
i still dont know what to do with school or my life or anything but living a day at a time isnt so bad. i decided to stay in cs over the summer and im excited!! it will be my first summer alone not a jkr and not at home. im going to work and party and possibly take a few classes. wish me luck! love you julie and i missssses you.
i still dont know what to do with school or my life or anything but living a day at a time isnt so bad. i decided to stay in cs over the summer and im excited!! it will be my first summer alone not a jkr and not at home. im going to work and party and possibly take a few classes. wish me luck! love you julie and i missssses you.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
okay i just decided!! ive always known that i want to do something with my life. i mean really make something! create change!! inspire people! make the world a better place. but holy shit HOW?!? im a lowly little horticulture major at texas a&m. i study for my tests and make good grades, how fucking innovative. but it came to me. i want to do some thing with horticulture and pharmocology! and study little shroomies!! or psychedelic plants, or just herbal medecine. i found a new word and im inspired by it! ethnopharmacology! it is the study of different ethnicities and their cultural uses for drugs and their effects. who knows what this could lead to?!? i just want to figure out how to get there. i feel like im doing NOTHING for my future. i mean i make good grades and im getting an internship and blah blah blah awards participation so on but who gives a crap about that shit anyway. i dont want to be a florist or a fucking landscape architect or fruit and nut production manager. i want to change lives!!! i want to work for the government or a nonprofit organization or a hospital. i want to go places!! im 19 how do i do this?!?! i have no idea?!? do you? i suck at research. anyway im excited!
fear and self loathing
today has felt like the longest day. im so sick of complacency. i cant figure out why i desperately wish i were someone else. i cant figure out why i cannot hold onto happiness. i cant figure out why i feel the need to figure out everything.
Monday, February 2, 2009
his name is mathew
im writing this only because matt just really annoyed the fuck out of me. I text him 'i have my first soccer practice tonight!' and he text me back 'dont get too sore from that, or let your lefs get too buff like that'
god how fucking rude! usually that kind of stuff doesnt really bother me but fuck him! i love soccer and this is such a great opportunity for me to meet people!! i just wanted him to be excited and supportive. and also ive worked out every day for the past two weeks because i want to be in better shape and have more toned legs. what the hell does he think is going to happen, playing soccer will make my legs fat? thats retarted!! and fuck him i look the way god made me and its pretty nice compared to what i could look like. this coming from the guy who said i could lose 30 lbs. yea right thats more than 1/5th of my body weight!!! what an idiot! that would be such an unhealthy weight loss. maybe i could lose like 10 lbs MAYBE. but i dont even need to lose any weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love this guy and tried to tell him and then we broke up bc of it. after TWO YEARS of dating off and on. and then we got back together and i havent told him again but he is constantly pretending like i might cheat on him while im in college station. PLEASE! i love him and he is the one who cant say it back. annoying. selfish. thoughtless.
god how fucking rude! usually that kind of stuff doesnt really bother me but fuck him! i love soccer and this is such a great opportunity for me to meet people!! i just wanted him to be excited and supportive. and also ive worked out every day for the past two weeks because i want to be in better shape and have more toned legs. what the hell does he think is going to happen, playing soccer will make my legs fat? thats retarted!! and fuck him i look the way god made me and its pretty nice compared to what i could look like. this coming from the guy who said i could lose 30 lbs. yea right thats more than 1/5th of my body weight!!! what an idiot! that would be such an unhealthy weight loss. maybe i could lose like 10 lbs MAYBE. but i dont even need to lose any weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love this guy and tried to tell him and then we broke up bc of it. after TWO YEARS of dating off and on. and then we got back together and i havent told him again but he is constantly pretending like i might cheat on him while im in college station. PLEASE! i love him and he is the one who cant say it back. annoying. selfish. thoughtless.
Monday, January 26, 2009
first weeks over
i made a lot of changes in such a short amount of time and im so proud of myself for it. It was so strange but over break i just realized that i wasnt happy and i was sick of feeling that way. I dont really know what changes i made but basically i told myself that i wasnt going to live to anyone elses standards or expectations. I decided to really look inside for the answers. its worked out really well so far. i am more comfortable being on my own and i make more decisions based on what i want not what i think i 'should' do.
oh yea and i broke up with gary, boyfriend on and off for four years. they were good they were bad but now they are over. im not sure if it was right or wrong but i feel good. i feel stronger. i miss him and i miss the safety and comfort and all the good stuff but all in all im not sad. meanwhile i am sort of seeing matt but they are two separate worlds to me. well to be honest everyone is a separate world to me. anyway im proud of myself. i went to these workout classes at the rec all by myself!! i went grocery shopping by myself and i paid for my own groceries! i got a freelance online job thingy thats a long story but anyway i did it by myself! im becoming so much stronger and more comfortable just doing what i want.
i have realized that the world is just some crazy messed up place of people doing what they do as a product of a bunch of other shit. does that make sense? well in my head it seems like the answer. who cares what the answers are? who even created those questions anyway. im just kind of doing my own thing, trying to find some self esteem and confidence.
classes are great, im taking entomology, floral design, plant pathology, running, pilates, three labs and a lecture class thing. im talking to strangers without any expectations, i just want to pass on a little peace.
you have to realize that you are responsible for where you are at and for where your life is at. how you are is the result of your past decisions and if you dont like the way you are, you can, with little effort of will, change your decisions for a while and you will change into being another way.
you have to do it inside yourself; a good moral structure imposed from the outside is totalitarianism. if you do it, you'll hook in with other folks doing it. you have to make interior decisions when nobody's looking; all by yourself, in your head, take full responsibility for what you are about to do and do the best you can. and after you do it awhile youll begin to expect it of yourself.
oh yea and i broke up with gary, boyfriend on and off for four years. they were good they were bad but now they are over. im not sure if it was right or wrong but i feel good. i feel stronger. i miss him and i miss the safety and comfort and all the good stuff but all in all im not sad. meanwhile i am sort of seeing matt but they are two separate worlds to me. well to be honest everyone is a separate world to me. anyway im proud of myself. i went to these workout classes at the rec all by myself!! i went grocery shopping by myself and i paid for my own groceries! i got a freelance online job thingy thats a long story but anyway i did it by myself! im becoming so much stronger and more comfortable just doing what i want.
i have realized that the world is just some crazy messed up place of people doing what they do as a product of a bunch of other shit. does that make sense? well in my head it seems like the answer. who cares what the answers are? who even created those questions anyway. im just kind of doing my own thing, trying to find some self esteem and confidence.
classes are great, im taking entomology, floral design, plant pathology, running, pilates, three labs and a lecture class thing. im talking to strangers without any expectations, i just want to pass on a little peace.
you have to realize that you are responsible for where you are at and for where your life is at. how you are is the result of your past decisions and if you dont like the way you are, you can, with little effort of will, change your decisions for a while and you will change into being another way.
you have to do it inside yourself; a good moral structure imposed from the outside is totalitarianism. if you do it, you'll hook in with other folks doing it. you have to make interior decisions when nobody's looking; all by yourself, in your head, take full responsibility for what you are about to do and do the best you can. and after you do it awhile youll begin to expect it of yourself.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
what a hypocrite
although ive always hated on blogging... im doing it for team team. and i guess for myself. since its the new year ill copy julie and think about some new years resolutions. god i swear sometimes that julie and i are the same person.
my lifes pretty fucked up right now but im trying my best to ignore it. see i think everyones life is probably fucked up they just dont care as much. i seem to care way more about every little thing that ever crosses my mind. so my new years goal is to be a little more apathetic. probably a little different than most peoples resolutions but who the fuck cares. see im doing well already! im also going to try to be a little more selfish. like instead of doing what makes gary happy, or what makes my mom happy, or what looks good to people around me, im just gonna go ahead and do what makes me happy. even if its an impulsive mistake. so my second goal is to make a mistake. it shouldnt be that hard.
i want to make my own happiness. and be independent. and not cry everytime someone hurts my feelings. im going to tough shit out. lifes a lot more difficult than they taught you in elementary school. what the fuck is up with that!! we need to teach kids some practical information, i swear i didnt learn a thing in public school, just the disney version of life. god im a cynic. okay my third resolution is to be more upbeat! fuck yea!
my lifes pretty fucked up right now but im trying my best to ignore it. see i think everyones life is probably fucked up they just dont care as much. i seem to care way more about every little thing that ever crosses my mind. so my new years goal is to be a little more apathetic. probably a little different than most peoples resolutions but who the fuck cares. see im doing well already! im also going to try to be a little more selfish. like instead of doing what makes gary happy, or what makes my mom happy, or what looks good to people around me, im just gonna go ahead and do what makes me happy. even if its an impulsive mistake. so my second goal is to make a mistake. it shouldnt be that hard.
i want to make my own happiness. and be independent. and not cry everytime someone hurts my feelings. im going to tough shit out. lifes a lot more difficult than they taught you in elementary school. what the fuck is up with that!! we need to teach kids some practical information, i swear i didnt learn a thing in public school, just the disney version of life. god im a cynic. okay my third resolution is to be more upbeat! fuck yea!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)