the sadness is back

my roommate has moved out. goodbye jon. it is now me all alone in the four bedroom apartment. oh and he took his tv with him. so it is me literally all alone with no mindless picture box to stare at and redirect my attention. away from the sadness? the boredom? the sense of loss? the desire to wander?

So i have been spending lots of time with gary. i broke off my 'thing' with gabe. go me no cheating. we have been having lots of fun. he takes me to do things. he buys me gifts. he takes me to dinner. we go swimming together. its all lots of fun. but i always think to myself yea im having an alright time but i could be doing absolutely nothing with matt and i would be thrilled.

i hate myself. and i hate matt for leaving. i thought that him and i had something. in planet terror rosemcgowen and her boy say they are 'two against the world' and god i really thought of matt and i like that. ive text him to tell him i miss him or whatever but we arent really in contact. and he claims i dumped him. well really what happened is two days after he moved out there we talked on the phone i was sad and he hung up on me and said whatever. so i said fuck you dont talk to me again. i guess he saw that as his opportunity out. i am mostly hurt. and confused. and guilty. i got burned. maybe one day matt will remember me and what we had and think of it as highly as i do. i wanted to be something alternative, unique, and unlikely. we were opposites but we could love one another with so much passion. but now its all gone. HE is all gone. away to another state were there are slutty hoes that want to fuck him. and he is probably loving it. loving not being in a relationship or having to think about another persons feelings. who knows.

im certainly not getting any good fucks. gary sex. its awkward, its cheesy. it is not smooth or overwhelming or any of the qualities i want in sex. IT SUCKS. and my vagina does not enjoy it. what am i supposed to do with that.

my mom tells me to wait. dont commit to anything. dont overanalyze anything. just let it come and let it go. im trying. but i truely dont want to hurt gary. and sometimes i think maybe i should just give myself to him. i make him happy and he would take care of me. and what is the point of trying to find another man. do i want my heart broken again. matt is really gone. he left me here. just fucking left my ass here. sure he asked me to wait for him and all that but then i 'dumped' him. i guess im trying to be ready to give up the matt thing. but gary doesnt make me forget matt. he doesnt make me forget anything.


so as you can see..... i am very confused bored lonely and sad.