and time flys by

i am doing pretty good i think. i forgot how quickly school makes time go by. like i only think in weeks and then all the sudden a few months have gone by!

OH YEA! i had a baby too! not :)! i got a puppy! so it is kind of the same thing. gary actually bought her for me but she is all mine and she is very sweet and well behaved. it is nice to come home to some puppy luvs but also annoying because i cant leave for the weekend and like not come home or something. but oh well! i kind of did this like, oh can i make a commitment to gary? and so far that is going well too. i dont talk to matt anymore and i realize that i want more from my life.

although i am having to remember to take time for myself. i kind of miss how matt lived far away and i just had these sex getaways and then came back and focused on myself in school. but then gary helps me with school and i realize that i love him so much more i just am not very good at compromising maybe.

anyway enough about boys.... sorry :(

OMG i dont know if yall watch true blood on HBO but. the show is based off of these books written by charlaine harris and they are AWESOME!!!! i bought them off amazon all in a set of 9 and they have been so entertaining. it is awesome that i could just pick up another right after the other bc there were so many!!!! but sadly i am done and now have nothing to read and distract me from whats actually happening!!

i feel blah over all but i am just passing the time with school.

school starts on monday! AHH!

i am all moved in to my new apartment! it is awesome, it also has hardwood floors like julies :) i put together all of my awesome ikea furniture and i bought new sheets for my big ass queen bed. and i actually have a tv in my bedroom! this is a first! cable, in my bed! my room is adorable and all teal and pretty. i love it. my new roommate taylor is awesome. i love living with a girl and esp one that is my friend!

and i got a pupppppppy! look at the pics on fb. she is adorable. i named her cleo which is kind of a crappy name i feel but its a little too late now. i have no idea how nat picked a babys name! cleo is a beagle basset hound mix and she is precious. its like having a little baby to take care of. ill have to ask natalie in the future but this is certainly the closest ive ever gotten to motherhood!

school starts on monday and naturally i am very freaked out. i hate change and get scared everytime something new is happening. im always thinking omg its coming, things are going to be different!! and it terrifies me. but monday will be here before i know it and i will just swing on into things. this semester will be so busy with school my job my puppy gary and my life. money will be tight. but i will make it work! i hope :)

august

i am so sad that julie never ever writes in her blog.
i am also sad that no one comments on my blogs ever, but i guess that my fault bc no one really reads them and a lot of the time they are depressing.

i am living at garys house! things are going super well. i like it here and im comfortable. also i love that i get to hang out with abella (our rhodesian ridgeback) all day. i do his laundry and pretend that im a housewie on days that i dont work.

still i much rather want to move into my new place!! i cant wait! i have all this new awesome furniture from ikea and i have an awesome roommate. plus i am dying for school to start. natalie is right, august is a great month. and honestly i welcome the last month of summer bc its too hot for me to lasst much longer. i am so excited about this fall. the weather :) oh and also i love the dress in fall and i have a bad ass jacket i cant wait for it to be chilly!

gary bought me new make up the other day so ive been having lots of fun playing paint my face. ive also discovered that blue eyeshadow is not really for me :) i think i need blonde hair for that shit.

and you know else will happen this august? our couples sleep over at john knox! im still not sure if gary will make it but if not i will enjoy myself anyway. smores are definitely called for. i cant wait!!

it had been three weeks to the day

i made it three weeks without any contact with him. but today i called him. i really wasnt expecting him to answer. i was hoping to hear his voice on voicemail. but he answered. hello. it felt so wonderful to hear his deep voice. i cried and he asked what was wrong. i told him just about everything. see i dont feel like myself without you. im trying to keep going and acting like im cool with everything that happened but i feel like im losing myself. i told him i missed him. he says he misses me too. he said he thought idve found another guy by now. text me, he says. yea right. im not that crazy. so i got to hear his voice. and listen to him breathe for ten whole minutes on the phone. and it was heaven. it felt like home. but now its over and im just sitting in my near empty apartment. with all my boxes. about to move in with another man. a man that has the strongest love for me ive ever seen. but one i dont even begin to understand or reciprocate.

ive just got to keep it together until he comes back. god i feel so alone and fake.

team team reunion

the day is approaching that team team shall be reunited in their journey to the ranch of john knox! and we will be joined by the new addition declan. only in fetus form. i am getting so excited! we need to formulate plans!! i propose that i drive into austin early thursday morning and we congregate somewhere. i would prefer not to drive because i will have just driven 150 miles but i can if no one else can. then we should proceed to the grocery store where we pick up a special treat for the counselors break room? possibly? or i can bring some things. i am going to call rick thursday and ask him about us coming to lunch singing and then rest break. ill let yall know what he says! which itd better be YES!!!!!

lets do some quality river chillin with a trip down the willy! i hope all goes as planned. i will also be taking my camera bc we are gonna document this like its the sisterhood of the traveling pants or something.

i miss you both and am counting the days :)

the sadness is back

my roommate has moved out. goodbye jon. it is now me all alone in the four bedroom apartment. oh and he took his tv with him. so it is me literally all alone with no mindless picture box to stare at and redirect my attention. away from the sadness? the boredom? the sense of loss? the desire to wander?

So i have been spending lots of time with gary. i broke off my 'thing' with gabe. go me no cheating. we have been having lots of fun. he takes me to do things. he buys me gifts. he takes me to dinner. we go swimming together. its all lots of fun. but i always think to myself yea im having an alright time but i could be doing absolutely nothing with matt and i would be thrilled.

i hate myself. and i hate matt for leaving. i thought that him and i had something. in planet terror rosemcgowen and her boy say they are 'two against the world' and god i really thought of matt and i like that. ive text him to tell him i miss him or whatever but we arent really in contact. and he claims i dumped him. well really what happened is two days after he moved out there we talked on the phone i was sad and he hung up on me and said whatever. so i said fuck you dont talk to me again. i guess he saw that as his opportunity out. i am mostly hurt. and confused. and guilty. i got burned. maybe one day matt will remember me and what we had and think of it as highly as i do. i wanted to be something alternative, unique, and unlikely. we were opposites but we could love one another with so much passion. but now its all gone. HE is all gone. away to another state were there are slutty hoes that want to fuck him. and he is probably loving it. loving not being in a relationship or having to think about another persons feelings. who knows.

im certainly not getting any good fucks. gary sex. its awkward, its cheesy. it is not smooth or overwhelming or any of the qualities i want in sex. IT SUCKS. and my vagina does not enjoy it. what am i supposed to do with that.

my mom tells me to wait. dont commit to anything. dont overanalyze anything. just let it come and let it go. im trying. but i truely dont want to hurt gary. and sometimes i think maybe i should just give myself to him. i make him happy and he would take care of me. and what is the point of trying to find another man. do i want my heart broken again. matt is really gone. he left me here. just fucking left my ass here. sure he asked me to wait for him and all that but then i 'dumped' him. i guess im trying to be ready to give up the matt thing. but gary doesnt make me forget matt. he doesnt make me forget anything.


so as you can see..... i am very confused bored lonely and sad.

julie sucks

here i am updating my blog again whilst julie has not even graced us with updates from her euro trip.

im going to cali next saturday! im so excited! definitely expect to see lots of fun pictures on facebook! im going with my mom and sister to meet up with more of my family for a make shift reunion. i am hoping i will become a sun goddess and return wit ha fabulous tan. it would also be so cool to visit a 'dispensary'. hahaha i want some medicine. i also plan to read plenty of books and trashy magazines.

matt is flying to az on saturday. im going to see him this wednesday and hang out thursday. maybe it will be the last time i see him. im not sure. im scared to go back and see him. i thought i loved him sooo much but these past two weeks im kind of like yeaaa..... you must not love me that much bc he hardly tries. and his being retarted isnt really a good excuse.

also last friday i had another shroom trip yay! it was super fun and beautiful but hten i puked a lot and my brain kind of turned on me.

i think i love gary still. we have hung out a couple times in the past two weeks. its sexy how accomplished he is. and hes been working out and looks healthy :) so have i actually. i hope i look sexy in bikini on da beach!!!!!

work is good i love making money it is so rewarding. i only wish i made more so i could actually buy something with it instead of saving it all for rent. fuck rent. its expensive.

i miss you both and i am looking forward to the baby shower in the distant future. hope all is well with you both. even though julie sucks.

i mailed matts painting and he said it was awesome. he is not very romantic.