it had been three weeks to the day

i made it three weeks without any contact with him. but today i called him. i really wasnt expecting him to answer. i was hoping to hear his voice on voicemail. but he answered. hello. it felt so wonderful to hear his deep voice. i cried and he asked what was wrong. i told him just about everything. see i dont feel like myself without you. im trying to keep going and acting like im cool with everything that happened but i feel like im losing myself. i told him i missed him. he says he misses me too. he said he thought idve found another guy by now. text me, he says. yea right. im not that crazy. so i got to hear his voice. and listen to him breathe for ten whole minutes on the phone. and it was heaven. it felt like home. but now its over and im just sitting in my near empty apartment. with all my boxes. about to move in with another man. a man that has the strongest love for me ive ever seen. but one i dont even begin to understand or reciprocate.

ive just got to keep it together until he comes back. god i feel so alone and fake.

team team reunion

the day is approaching that team team shall be reunited in their journey to the ranch of john knox! and we will be joined by the new addition declan. only in fetus form. i am getting so excited! we need to formulate plans!! i propose that i drive into austin early thursday morning and we congregate somewhere. i would prefer not to drive because i will have just driven 150 miles but i can if no one else can. then we should proceed to the grocery store where we pick up a special treat for the counselors break room? possibly? or i can bring some things. i am going to call rick thursday and ask him about us coming to lunch singing and then rest break. ill let yall know what he says! which itd better be YES!!!!!

lets do some quality river chillin with a trip down the willy! i hope all goes as planned. i will also be taking my camera bc we are gonna document this like its the sisterhood of the traveling pants or something.

i miss you both and am counting the days :)

the sadness is back

my roommate has moved out. goodbye jon. it is now me all alone in the four bedroom apartment. oh and he took his tv with him. so it is me literally all alone with no mindless picture box to stare at and redirect my attention. away from the sadness? the boredom? the sense of loss? the desire to wander?

So i have been spending lots of time with gary. i broke off my 'thing' with gabe. go me no cheating. we have been having lots of fun. he takes me to do things. he buys me gifts. he takes me to dinner. we go swimming together. its all lots of fun. but i always think to myself yea im having an alright time but i could be doing absolutely nothing with matt and i would be thrilled.

i hate myself. and i hate matt for leaving. i thought that him and i had something. in planet terror rosemcgowen and her boy say they are 'two against the world' and god i really thought of matt and i like that. ive text him to tell him i miss him or whatever but we arent really in contact. and he claims i dumped him. well really what happened is two days after he moved out there we talked on the phone i was sad and he hung up on me and said whatever. so i said fuck you dont talk to me again. i guess he saw that as his opportunity out. i am mostly hurt. and confused. and guilty. i got burned. maybe one day matt will remember me and what we had and think of it as highly as i do. i wanted to be something alternative, unique, and unlikely. we were opposites but we could love one another with so much passion. but now its all gone. HE is all gone. away to another state were there are slutty hoes that want to fuck him. and he is probably loving it. loving not being in a relationship or having to think about another persons feelings. who knows.

im certainly not getting any good fucks. gary sex. its awkward, its cheesy. it is not smooth or overwhelming or any of the qualities i want in sex. IT SUCKS. and my vagina does not enjoy it. what am i supposed to do with that.

my mom tells me to wait. dont commit to anything. dont overanalyze anything. just let it come and let it go. im trying. but i truely dont want to hurt gary. and sometimes i think maybe i should just give myself to him. i make him happy and he would take care of me. and what is the point of trying to find another man. do i want my heart broken again. matt is really gone. he left me here. just fucking left my ass here. sure he asked me to wait for him and all that but then i 'dumped' him. i guess im trying to be ready to give up the matt thing. but gary doesnt make me forget matt. he doesnt make me forget anything.


so as you can see..... i am very confused bored lonely and sad.

julie sucks

here i am updating my blog again whilst julie has not even graced us with updates from her euro trip.

im going to cali next saturday! im so excited! definitely expect to see lots of fun pictures on facebook! im going with my mom and sister to meet up with more of my family for a make shift reunion. i am hoping i will become a sun goddess and return wit ha fabulous tan. it would also be so cool to visit a 'dispensary'. hahaha i want some medicine. i also plan to read plenty of books and trashy magazines.

matt is flying to az on saturday. im going to see him this wednesday and hang out thursday. maybe it will be the last time i see him. im not sure. im scared to go back and see him. i thought i loved him sooo much but these past two weeks im kind of like yeaaa..... you must not love me that much bc he hardly tries. and his being retarted isnt really a good excuse.

also last friday i had another shroom trip yay! it was super fun and beautiful but hten i puked a lot and my brain kind of turned on me.

i think i love gary still. we have hung out a couple times in the past two weeks. its sexy how accomplished he is. and hes been working out and looks healthy :) so have i actually. i hope i look sexy in bikini on da beach!!!!!

work is good i love making money it is so rewarding. i only wish i made more so i could actually buy something with it instead of saving it all for rent. fuck rent. its expensive.

i miss you both and i am looking forward to the baby shower in the distant future. hope all is well with you both. even though julie sucks.

i mailed matts painting and he said it was awesome. he is not very romantic.

my life is in desperate need of update

because soooo much has changed! so quickly! and im handling it so well suprisingly.

matt and i got into a major fight last last friday bc i found some internet dating websites and porn on his computer history. okay like a LOT of both and when i asked him about it he lied. and was a dick. so i told him i didnt want to be together anymore and i left and drove back to cs. and cried a lot. and then a week later he texts me that he is moving back to arizona and will miss me desperately bc he loves me but that he will be back to do the right thing. sadest news ever :(. but also a possibly good move for our relationship. i. e. he comes back to tx with a car $ and lisence and sweeps me off my feet and we no longer have any problems, EVER <3.

hahaha it sounds ridiculous to type it out but i guess that is kind of the fairy tale i have in my head. so to add to the romance i finished his painting for him and wrote this on the back
' to the most gentle badass, i love you, come back for me, make my dreams cum true. '
and i sent it off in the mail! hopefully he will take it with him and love it and remember me and be back for me! but if not then he has a painting he can keep forever to remind him of the spectacular girl he left behind!

ON ANOTHER NOTE!!!!

gabe kissed me last night. and it was sweet i kind of liked it. i would never want to date him. but im single now soooo a little kissy practice cant hurt right? well anywho i am off to my job at carinos!

julie how was your adventure?
nat quit watching dexter and update hahaha hope your new job is cool

starting me new job tmrw

JOB-8 am johnny carinos! i hope this job doesnt suck. i hope im good at waiting tables. i hope i make a lot of money. i will keep you updated how this new endeavor works out for me.

BOYFRIEND- uhhhhh so sick of the distance. so sick of dating a manly man. im not sure if im making the right decision staying with mathew. i think i need too much from him than he is able to give. late at night when im feeling weird and alone i think i should be able to call my boyfriend and find some comfort and reassurance. right? but instead he tells me that i need it all the time and he cant keep up. i dont think im that needy. i fucking live two hours away right? how much could i really be draining from him?

FAMILY- i am not close to my family really. they dont know that i am a huge stoner hippie. and that really is who i am.

APARTMENT- i have been stalking craigslist for days now trying to find the right furniture for my new apartment that i move into aug 21st!! but sadly ive come up empty handed so far but i mean i have allll summer so im bound to find something.

SELF ESTEEM- lately ive felt horrible about myself. not thin enough. fat legs. not cool enough. i hate it. and mathew does nothing to help me out. i swear ive called him sexy like three times in the past week. he tells me occasionally that i look cute or something like that in passing but he has never made me feel like i am the most beautiful girl in the world. neither in face or body. i will never forget that he said he wouldnt mind if i lost 30 lbs. wouldnt mind?!?! uhhh whatever. i know im pretty enough but sometimes i wish i were someone else.

SCHOOL- feels weird not to be in school. my brain is going to turn on me soon i know it. i hope i take summer II history but im not sure i want to see how my job works out.\

julie i hope your having a blast in amsterdam. you better be munching down some mad brownies.
natalie i cant wait to see you and your big belly. hope all is well with your little family!!

in limbo

blaaaaahhh oh no its happening again. i thought that i was done with the two boy drama. i broke things off with gary and exclusively dated mathew this semester. it was all going really well until these past two weeks. since im out of school ive spent this whole time in austin with mathew and we went to cs together for two nights and it was all lovely. but now im realizing im bored. im so over him not having a job or a car. and im so over that the answer to all my questions is half assed bullshit. blah he is so clueless. and to complicate matters (or maybe this is what sprung the dissatisfaction with matt) gary still has feelings for me and took the time to tell me. so here i am all confused again. gary is so accomplished and kind and generous. he is thoughtful and sensitive to the point of annoying but i mean what kind of fault is that. and he loves me so unconditionally. my mom said to me that a love like garys is something most people dont find. and thats true. help me. i hate being 20. i hate being uncertain. i hate it!!!!!!!! my brain is going crazy on me. boys :(

but yay i got a 1500$ scholarship! that means i am 750$ away from having all my tuition paid! YAY!

ALSO im seeing julie today for lunch and im sooooooooooooooooo happy!

also im still confused about my love life. and happy bc kyle will be staying in cs this summer. no jkr!