okay i just decided!! ive always known that i want to do something with my life. i mean really make something! create change!! inspire people! make the world a better place. but holy shit HOW?!? im a lowly little horticulture major at texas a&m. i study for my tests and make good grades, how fucking innovative. but it came to me. i want to do some thing with horticulture and pharmocology! and study little shroomies!! or psychedelic plants, or just herbal medecine. i found a new word and im inspired by it! ethnopharmacology! it is the study of different ethnicities and their cultural uses for drugs and their effects. who knows what this could lead to?!? i just want to figure out how to get there. i feel like im doing NOTHING for my future. i mean i make good grades and im getting an internship and blah blah blah awards participation so on but who gives a crap about that shit anyway. i dont want to be a florist or a fucking landscape architect or fruit and nut production manager. i want to change lives!!! i want to work for the government or a nonprofit organization or a hospital. i want to go places!! im 19 how do i do this?!?! i have no idea?!? do you? i suck at research. anyway im excited!

fear and self loathing

today has felt like the longest day. im so sick of complacency. i cant figure out why i desperately wish i were someone else. i cant figure out why i cannot hold onto happiness. i cant figure out why i feel the need to figure out everything.

his name is mathew

im writing this only because matt just really annoyed the fuck out of me. I text him 'i have my first soccer practice tonight!' and he text me back 'dont get too sore from that, or let your lefs get too buff like that'

god how fucking rude! usually that kind of stuff doesnt really bother me but fuck him! i love soccer and this is such a great opportunity for me to meet people!! i just wanted him to be excited and supportive. and also ive worked out every day for the past two weeks because i want to be in better shape and have more toned legs. what the hell does he think is going to happen, playing soccer will make my legs fat? thats retarted!! and fuck him i look the way god made me and its pretty nice compared to what i could look like. this coming from the guy who said i could lose 30 lbs. yea right thats more than 1/5th of my body weight!!! what an idiot! that would be such an unhealthy weight loss. maybe i could lose like 10 lbs MAYBE. but i dont even need to lose any weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this guy and tried to tell him and then we broke up bc of it. after TWO YEARS of dating off and on. and then we got back together and i havent told him again but he is constantly pretending like i might cheat on him while im in college station. PLEASE! i love him and he is the one who cant say it back. annoying. selfish. thoughtless.