he kissed me in my dream last night

last night i had a dream about an ex. those are always the worst. it left me thinking about him and mostly thinking about who i was when i was with him. i know that the person i am now is in a better place but i cant help but miss this past keely. the one who had less regard for her mothers opinion and was willing to do whatever she liked. being with gary is wonderful and inspires me to always try my hardest and aim towards success. but god success can be exhausting. and how much does it really pay off in the end? success = money. and money makes life easy. thats what ive deduced at least. well and thats what my mother has drilled into my head and i have to trust her. but man it was fun just fucking around and indulging in every sensory want i had.

time for finals

hi everyone! Natalie your bb boy is looking so adorable! I am going to see you guys over Christmas Break so be prepared!! I believe we need a team team + baby adventure of sorts.

Thanksgiving Break was awesome!!! I went to the A&M T.U. game. Wow, I really hate longhorn fans. They make me crazy. After the game I convinced Gary that it was a good idea to drive to the Houston Outlets and do a little black friday shopping :) poor guy he did not have a clue what he was in for!! haha well I have been black friday shopping before so I knew what to expect. We got a really nice set of pots and pans for his new house, and two NFL jerseys for him and for me - CLOTHES! yay! Then we went home and had a belated thanksgiving dinner and it was yummers. I didnt eat as much as I wouldve liked. thanksgiving to me is all about stuffing your face and sadly i did not this year. There is always next year to gain 5 lbs!!!. Speaking of pounds, I bet declan gets heavier by the day! Work those biceps Nat!!!

Now I am back to school and have two weeks until finals! I cant wait! I just want them to be over! Julie I bet you are feeling me about now. I also think that when you are done with your finals that you should stop in college station and stay the night with me!!! PLEASE!! I miss you like crazy. Also I think you need to write a blog that is dedicated to this mysterious 'new man' in your life!!! I am dying for some deets over here. Also I would like to say that ben is gay and im glad youve moved on to an in state boyfriend! YAY!

My wittle puppers doggie is much bigger now and still super cutes!

see yall over christmas! we are going to the trail of lights if they are open and if not we are going to dinner or something else wonderful :)

lets play house

so today gary and i went looking at houses! he is planning on being here another 5 years for his job and is readyto buy a house so we have begun looking. it is so much fun playing house! i feel spoiled that i am getting to experience this process at only 20. we went to a little neighborhood called autumn lake. they always have the lamest names. anyway it was very cute new little houses. i can picture cleo and abella running around in the backyard and me and gary chilling in the master bedroom. crazy. i am a little nervous but mostly i dont care! i am vary happy and i feel so safe with gary i know we could always take care of eachother. i think about little bebes. scary. i know i am getting older because little critters are running around on my mind. which is a good thing because i think it will take like 5 years for me to get used to the idea. so gary should have a new house by springtime and it will have plenty of extra room for guests! that means team team visitation time!!! :)

i am so excited that i discovered you can put pictures on here. i know my puppy is not as adorable as declan is..... but shes still pretty cute!

Halloweeny

hi all. i painted my nails special with halloween stickers to celebrate the occasion. I was a biker chick friday night and a nerd on saturday night. damn next year i need to come up with some more creative costume. the most awesome costumes i saw last night were zach galifinakis from the hangover LOL and a dude in full wedding day drag. also i took a picture with a BAKED POTATO! dont worry that one is coming soon on my profile.

okay so i just realized that i can post pictures so here is one of cleo in her turtle costume. she was PRECIOUS! i wanted to take her to petsmart hallowen but i called on friday and they said they had done it last tuesday. that is DUMB considering halloween is on a saturday.

school is officially kicking my ass and i am beginning to have my freak out sessions where i think im completely unprepared and behind. but im just gonna 'power through' and pray for thanksgiving break. and christmas. oh and graduation.

i miss team team. and julie you follow so many other blogs now. i cant wait to meet declan. he is the sweetest look bebe

and time flys by

i am doing pretty good i think. i forgot how quickly school makes time go by. like i only think in weeks and then all the sudden a few months have gone by!

OH YEA! i had a baby too! not :)! i got a puppy! so it is kind of the same thing. gary actually bought her for me but she is all mine and she is very sweet and well behaved. it is nice to come home to some puppy luvs but also annoying because i cant leave for the weekend and like not come home or something. but oh well! i kind of did this like, oh can i make a commitment to gary? and so far that is going well too. i dont talk to matt anymore and i realize that i want more from my life.

although i am having to remember to take time for myself. i kind of miss how matt lived far away and i just had these sex getaways and then came back and focused on myself in school. but then gary helps me with school and i realize that i love him so much more i just am not very good at compromising maybe.

anyway enough about boys.... sorry :(

OMG i dont know if yall watch true blood on HBO but. the show is based off of these books written by charlaine harris and they are AWESOME!!!! i bought them off amazon all in a set of 9 and they have been so entertaining. it is awesome that i could just pick up another right after the other bc there were so many!!!! but sadly i am done and now have nothing to read and distract me from whats actually happening!!

i feel blah over all but i am just passing the time with school.

school starts on monday! AHH!

i am all moved in to my new apartment! it is awesome, it also has hardwood floors like julies :) i put together all of my awesome ikea furniture and i bought new sheets for my big ass queen bed. and i actually have a tv in my bedroom! this is a first! cable, in my bed! my room is adorable and all teal and pretty. i love it. my new roommate taylor is awesome. i love living with a girl and esp one that is my friend!

and i got a pupppppppy! look at the pics on fb. she is adorable. i named her cleo which is kind of a crappy name i feel but its a little too late now. i have no idea how nat picked a babys name! cleo is a beagle basset hound mix and she is precious. its like having a little baby to take care of. ill have to ask natalie in the future but this is certainly the closest ive ever gotten to motherhood!

school starts on monday and naturally i am very freaked out. i hate change and get scared everytime something new is happening. im always thinking omg its coming, things are going to be different!! and it terrifies me. but monday will be here before i know it and i will just swing on into things. this semester will be so busy with school my job my puppy gary and my life. money will be tight. but i will make it work! i hope :)

august

i am so sad that julie never ever writes in her blog.
i am also sad that no one comments on my blogs ever, but i guess that my fault bc no one really reads them and a lot of the time they are depressing.

i am living at garys house! things are going super well. i like it here and im comfortable. also i love that i get to hang out with abella (our rhodesian ridgeback) all day. i do his laundry and pretend that im a housewie on days that i dont work.

still i much rather want to move into my new place!! i cant wait! i have all this new awesome furniture from ikea and i have an awesome roommate. plus i am dying for school to start. natalie is right, august is a great month. and honestly i welcome the last month of summer bc its too hot for me to lasst much longer. i am so excited about this fall. the weather :) oh and also i love the dress in fall and i have a bad ass jacket i cant wait for it to be chilly!

gary bought me new make up the other day so ive been having lots of fun playing paint my face. ive also discovered that blue eyeshadow is not really for me :) i think i need blonde hair for that shit.

and you know else will happen this august? our couples sleep over at john knox! im still not sure if gary will make it but if not i will enjoy myself anyway. smores are definitely called for. i cant wait!!

it had been three weeks to the day

i made it three weeks without any contact with him. but today i called him. i really wasnt expecting him to answer. i was hoping to hear his voice on voicemail. but he answered. hello. it felt so wonderful to hear his deep voice. i cried and he asked what was wrong. i told him just about everything. see i dont feel like myself without you. im trying to keep going and acting like im cool with everything that happened but i feel like im losing myself. i told him i missed him. he says he misses me too. he said he thought idve found another guy by now. text me, he says. yea right. im not that crazy. so i got to hear his voice. and listen to him breathe for ten whole minutes on the phone. and it was heaven. it felt like home. but now its over and im just sitting in my near empty apartment. with all my boxes. about to move in with another man. a man that has the strongest love for me ive ever seen. but one i dont even begin to understand or reciprocate.

ive just got to keep it together until he comes back. god i feel so alone and fake.

team team reunion

the day is approaching that team team shall be reunited in their journey to the ranch of john knox! and we will be joined by the new addition declan. only in fetus form. i am getting so excited! we need to formulate plans!! i propose that i drive into austin early thursday morning and we congregate somewhere. i would prefer not to drive because i will have just driven 150 miles but i can if no one else can. then we should proceed to the grocery store where we pick up a special treat for the counselors break room? possibly? or i can bring some things. i am going to call rick thursday and ask him about us coming to lunch singing and then rest break. ill let yall know what he says! which itd better be YES!!!!!

lets do some quality river chillin with a trip down the willy! i hope all goes as planned. i will also be taking my camera bc we are gonna document this like its the sisterhood of the traveling pants or something.

i miss you both and am counting the days :)

the sadness is back

my roommate has moved out. goodbye jon. it is now me all alone in the four bedroom apartment. oh and he took his tv with him. so it is me literally all alone with no mindless picture box to stare at and redirect my attention. away from the sadness? the boredom? the sense of loss? the desire to wander?

So i have been spending lots of time with gary. i broke off my 'thing' with gabe. go me no cheating. we have been having lots of fun. he takes me to do things. he buys me gifts. he takes me to dinner. we go swimming together. its all lots of fun. but i always think to myself yea im having an alright time but i could be doing absolutely nothing with matt and i would be thrilled.

i hate myself. and i hate matt for leaving. i thought that him and i had something. in planet terror rosemcgowen and her boy say they are 'two against the world' and god i really thought of matt and i like that. ive text him to tell him i miss him or whatever but we arent really in contact. and he claims i dumped him. well really what happened is two days after he moved out there we talked on the phone i was sad and he hung up on me and said whatever. so i said fuck you dont talk to me again. i guess he saw that as his opportunity out. i am mostly hurt. and confused. and guilty. i got burned. maybe one day matt will remember me and what we had and think of it as highly as i do. i wanted to be something alternative, unique, and unlikely. we were opposites but we could love one another with so much passion. but now its all gone. HE is all gone. away to another state were there are slutty hoes that want to fuck him. and he is probably loving it. loving not being in a relationship or having to think about another persons feelings. who knows.

im certainly not getting any good fucks. gary sex. its awkward, its cheesy. it is not smooth or overwhelming or any of the qualities i want in sex. IT SUCKS. and my vagina does not enjoy it. what am i supposed to do with that.

my mom tells me to wait. dont commit to anything. dont overanalyze anything. just let it come and let it go. im trying. but i truely dont want to hurt gary. and sometimes i think maybe i should just give myself to him. i make him happy and he would take care of me. and what is the point of trying to find another man. do i want my heart broken again. matt is really gone. he left me here. just fucking left my ass here. sure he asked me to wait for him and all that but then i 'dumped' him. i guess im trying to be ready to give up the matt thing. but gary doesnt make me forget matt. he doesnt make me forget anything.


so as you can see..... i am very confused bored lonely and sad.

julie sucks

here i am updating my blog again whilst julie has not even graced us with updates from her euro trip.

im going to cali next saturday! im so excited! definitely expect to see lots of fun pictures on facebook! im going with my mom and sister to meet up with more of my family for a make shift reunion. i am hoping i will become a sun goddess and return wit ha fabulous tan. it would also be so cool to visit a 'dispensary'. hahaha i want some medicine. i also plan to read plenty of books and trashy magazines.

matt is flying to az on saturday. im going to see him this wednesday and hang out thursday. maybe it will be the last time i see him. im not sure. im scared to go back and see him. i thought i loved him sooo much but these past two weeks im kind of like yeaaa..... you must not love me that much bc he hardly tries. and his being retarted isnt really a good excuse.

also last friday i had another shroom trip yay! it was super fun and beautiful but hten i puked a lot and my brain kind of turned on me.

i think i love gary still. we have hung out a couple times in the past two weeks. its sexy how accomplished he is. and hes been working out and looks healthy :) so have i actually. i hope i look sexy in bikini on da beach!!!!!

work is good i love making money it is so rewarding. i only wish i made more so i could actually buy something with it instead of saving it all for rent. fuck rent. its expensive.

i miss you both and i am looking forward to the baby shower in the distant future. hope all is well with you both. even though julie sucks.

i mailed matts painting and he said it was awesome. he is not very romantic.

my life is in desperate need of update

because soooo much has changed! so quickly! and im handling it so well suprisingly.

matt and i got into a major fight last last friday bc i found some internet dating websites and porn on his computer history. okay like a LOT of both and when i asked him about it he lied. and was a dick. so i told him i didnt want to be together anymore and i left and drove back to cs. and cried a lot. and then a week later he texts me that he is moving back to arizona and will miss me desperately bc he loves me but that he will be back to do the right thing. sadest news ever :(. but also a possibly good move for our relationship. i. e. he comes back to tx with a car $ and lisence and sweeps me off my feet and we no longer have any problems, EVER <3.

hahaha it sounds ridiculous to type it out but i guess that is kind of the fairy tale i have in my head. so to add to the romance i finished his painting for him and wrote this on the back
' to the most gentle badass, i love you, come back for me, make my dreams cum true. '
and i sent it off in the mail! hopefully he will take it with him and love it and remember me and be back for me! but if not then he has a painting he can keep forever to remind him of the spectacular girl he left behind!

ON ANOTHER NOTE!!!!

gabe kissed me last night. and it was sweet i kind of liked it. i would never want to date him. but im single now soooo a little kissy practice cant hurt right? well anywho i am off to my job at carinos!

julie how was your adventure?
nat quit watching dexter and update hahaha hope your new job is cool

starting me new job tmrw

JOB-8 am johnny carinos! i hope this job doesnt suck. i hope im good at waiting tables. i hope i make a lot of money. i will keep you updated how this new endeavor works out for me.

BOYFRIEND- uhhhhh so sick of the distance. so sick of dating a manly man. im not sure if im making the right decision staying with mathew. i think i need too much from him than he is able to give. late at night when im feeling weird and alone i think i should be able to call my boyfriend and find some comfort and reassurance. right? but instead he tells me that i need it all the time and he cant keep up. i dont think im that needy. i fucking live two hours away right? how much could i really be draining from him?

FAMILY- i am not close to my family really. they dont know that i am a huge stoner hippie. and that really is who i am.

APARTMENT- i have been stalking craigslist for days now trying to find the right furniture for my new apartment that i move into aug 21st!! but sadly ive come up empty handed so far but i mean i have allll summer so im bound to find something.

SELF ESTEEM- lately ive felt horrible about myself. not thin enough. fat legs. not cool enough. i hate it. and mathew does nothing to help me out. i swear ive called him sexy like three times in the past week. he tells me occasionally that i look cute or something like that in passing but he has never made me feel like i am the most beautiful girl in the world. neither in face or body. i will never forget that he said he wouldnt mind if i lost 30 lbs. wouldnt mind?!?! uhhh whatever. i know im pretty enough but sometimes i wish i were someone else.

SCHOOL- feels weird not to be in school. my brain is going to turn on me soon i know it. i hope i take summer II history but im not sure i want to see how my job works out.\

julie i hope your having a blast in amsterdam. you better be munching down some mad brownies.
natalie i cant wait to see you and your big belly. hope all is well with your little family!!

in limbo

blaaaaahhh oh no its happening again. i thought that i was done with the two boy drama. i broke things off with gary and exclusively dated mathew this semester. it was all going really well until these past two weeks. since im out of school ive spent this whole time in austin with mathew and we went to cs together for two nights and it was all lovely. but now im realizing im bored. im so over him not having a job or a car. and im so over that the answer to all my questions is half assed bullshit. blah he is so clueless. and to complicate matters (or maybe this is what sprung the dissatisfaction with matt) gary still has feelings for me and took the time to tell me. so here i am all confused again. gary is so accomplished and kind and generous. he is thoughtful and sensitive to the point of annoying but i mean what kind of fault is that. and he loves me so unconditionally. my mom said to me that a love like garys is something most people dont find. and thats true. help me. i hate being 20. i hate being uncertain. i hate it!!!!!!!! my brain is going crazy on me. boys :(

but yay i got a 1500$ scholarship! that means i am 750$ away from having all my tuition paid! YAY!

ALSO im seeing julie today for lunch and im sooooooooooooooooo happy!

also im still confused about my love life. and happy bc kyle will be staying in cs this summer. no jkr!

summer for real this time!

im in my last week of school eeekk!! i am working on getting a job at johnny carinos as a server. tomorrow is my 2nd interview so i think that means they want to hire me.

right now im missing mathew more than anything :( he has been so extremely sweet and loving lately i couldnt ask for more in a lover. however he is soooo poor. and also bad with money. i scrimp and save so that i have money for gas to drive home and see him. meanwhile he buys fastfood several times a week and a carton of ciggs and usually an eighth (60$$$ weed). what the fuck!! sometimes he tries to help me with gas but really im just annoyed at how he spends his money. he needs to learn to save and hold back and finish building his damn car!!! i try to tell myself that im not in charge of his life but now that we are starting to be a bigger part in each others lives im like okay matty boy grow up now :) learn how money works baby!

another issue: i seem to have a crush on my dealer gabe and apparently he has a crush on me! i heard this from another friend whom i beleive is a very reliable source. we have hung out alone and it was cute and all but im not sure if im that physically attracted to him but there is just something about him. ive never really had an interest in anyone like him before so its new and strange. i hope nothing comes of it. just a lovely crush and lots of green!!

good news: i realized that my savings account no longer has a minimum balance so that 200$ that was in there just became available!! and ive been thinking i deserve a treat so i might buy a hundred dollar swim suit from victoria secret. i know!!! its expensive but its so lovely and purple and i want it and its on sale from 150 so maybe its meant to be!! also im getting a job so i will no longer be broke.

also i bought groceries today so im sooo happy. food is a luxury :) i cant wait to make money!! put the cash in my pocket omg i hope i like waitressing!!!!!!!!!!!!

:) advice is always welcome. miss you both.

summer is scary

well i only have a month of school left and then its summer time and im about freaking out. also i am broke off my ass right now with literally 90$ in my bank account so i have to get a job fast because i cant really afford to eat right now let alone pay my rent... but i dont know where to work and im picky and scared and nervous bc i havent had a job in a year. also this is my first summer away from knox away from home away from everything! im so scared! i dont know what it will be like, i hope i dont sink into some strange depression, that is actually my biggest fear of the summer. Im such a baby for change, i freak out before like omg its coming i freak out when it happens like omg its happening!! and then i freak out after bc im like wow everything is so different now. I hate that im like that bc life=change!!!!

im still dating that loser of a bastard that i love. dear dear mathew. I love the man, he is so sexy, i love the fuck him, i love to smoke with him, i love to laugh with him! he is my secret lover but its soooo hard for me to connect him to reality bc he lives 2 hrs away!!! and has been to cs ONCE! he knows like none of my friends and its like i have two seperate worlds and im so sick of it! god im so over him living with his parents not having a car or lisence. what a LOSER. but i love him? thats retarted. lifes retarted.

on the bright side, tonight im going to a RATATAT concert. okay truth is i dont really know who they are haha i just know it is electronic music and im praying all of my prayers that its kind of like a rave! im gonna dancy and be stoned!! oh yea and look ADORABLE!!! good times are ahead this evening --- please observe pictures when they are posted on facebook.

i am having trouble staying away from gary, he is like this really inviting comforatble couch that i really just want to lay on bc it makes my life so easy and i feel so safe and down to earth like nothing could ever happen to me. DUH bc id be sitting on a couch! and i dont want to sit on a couch the rest of my life. i dunno thats a really bad analogy but... yea it sort of works on like one level maybe.

other exciting news.... none really. im hungry. really damn hungry and i cant afford me any food :(. also life is boring and i feel like im not doing anything that really even matters. oh the age old existentialism, how ive missed you. love to anyone who reads this blog, i pray its only julie and nat, possibly ben. and if there is some strange stranger out there reading this then i am sorry that you are bored right now. and if we are meant to be soul mates please let me know.

<3

20 = being a big girl

today is my bday!! im feeling sad that i am no longer a teenager but im also very happy to be in my twenties. i feel like it suits me. ive been very comfortable with each year i get older, i feel prepared and excited, i hope this cycle continues so that when i turn 35 i wont freak the fuck out bc thats old!!! its kind of sad that im not doing any thing for my birthday. matt is in austin (oh yea we are back together hahaha and he said i love you FINALLY) and taylor and scott are in dallas for a britney spears concert and so that leaves me in cs by my lonesome. but its actaully all good because i have a g (julie a g is a gram of WEED) and tons of hmwrk to do and a cake to bake so it works!

i need a job really freaking soon because i am so broke i cant even really afford to eat right now soo... i am jealous of all the stupid little freshman at A&M with mealplans and aggie bucks bc they can afford lunch :(. also i love post secret. julie i hope you can come visit me over the summer sometime, ill return the favor!!

any job ideas?!?!?!?!?

trust in the universe <3

so matt broke up with me. i cried for like a day and then went to my fitness training class and during it i realized that i had completely forgotten about it! i also watched this video about the best way to deal with a break up that this gay guy 'davey wavey' made and it was amazing! it helped me so much. he talked about how every relationship ends whether by break up divorce or death and that you shouldnt gauge a relationship by the amount of time you were in it but by what you learned about yourself and how youve grown. i realized matt changed my life, in fact he kind of saved my life!! he rescued me from becoming another brainwashed middle class white girl, he introduced me to drugs which opened my world to acceptance love experimentation acceptance and just plain dealing. he redifined my reality and for that i will always be thankful. although im handling this break up exceptionally well i am still very frustrated with mathew. see i know that he is making a mistake haha. basically i think he only wants a break and i wouldnt be surprised if one day we got back together when he has a car. maybe him and i just think differently but for me i know i love matt and i want to be with him through the hard times too but he is different and just wants a break. i dont know if i will want to get back together with him when that day comes but for now im really trying to accept what i cant change. its hard but im so very proud of myself for handling this so maturely. i havent run to gary. although some of my friends have been pretty fucking unhelpful (kendall, whitney) i am coming through it stronger and more independant with more self love!! also i met my tall sexy neighbor today and i now have a crush so that helps everything.
i still dont know what to do with school or my life or anything but living a day at a time isnt so bad. i decided to stay in cs over the summer and im excited!! it will be my first summer alone not a jkr and not at home. im going to work and party and possibly take a few classes. wish me luck! love you julie and i missssses you.

okay i just decided!! ive always known that i want to do something with my life. i mean really make something! create change!! inspire people! make the world a better place. but holy shit HOW?!? im a lowly little horticulture major at texas a&m. i study for my tests and make good grades, how fucking innovative. but it came to me. i want to do some thing with horticulture and pharmocology! and study little shroomies!! or psychedelic plants, or just herbal medecine. i found a new word and im inspired by it! ethnopharmacology! it is the study of different ethnicities and their cultural uses for drugs and their effects. who knows what this could lead to?!? i just want to figure out how to get there. i feel like im doing NOTHING for my future. i mean i make good grades and im getting an internship and blah blah blah awards participation so on but who gives a crap about that shit anyway. i dont want to be a florist or a fucking landscape architect or fruit and nut production manager. i want to change lives!!! i want to work for the government or a nonprofit organization or a hospital. i want to go places!! im 19 how do i do this?!?! i have no idea?!? do you? i suck at research. anyway im excited!

fear and self loathing

today has felt like the longest day. im so sick of complacency. i cant figure out why i desperately wish i were someone else. i cant figure out why i cannot hold onto happiness. i cant figure out why i feel the need to figure out everything.

his name is mathew

im writing this only because matt just really annoyed the fuck out of me. I text him 'i have my first soccer practice tonight!' and he text me back 'dont get too sore from that, or let your lefs get too buff like that'

god how fucking rude! usually that kind of stuff doesnt really bother me but fuck him! i love soccer and this is such a great opportunity for me to meet people!! i just wanted him to be excited and supportive. and also ive worked out every day for the past two weeks because i want to be in better shape and have more toned legs. what the hell does he think is going to happen, playing soccer will make my legs fat? thats retarted!! and fuck him i look the way god made me and its pretty nice compared to what i could look like. this coming from the guy who said i could lose 30 lbs. yea right thats more than 1/5th of my body weight!!! what an idiot! that would be such an unhealthy weight loss. maybe i could lose like 10 lbs MAYBE. but i dont even need to lose any weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this guy and tried to tell him and then we broke up bc of it. after TWO YEARS of dating off and on. and then we got back together and i havent told him again but he is constantly pretending like i might cheat on him while im in college station. PLEASE! i love him and he is the one who cant say it back. annoying. selfish. thoughtless.

first weeks over

i made a lot of changes in such a short amount of time and im so proud of myself for it. It was so strange but over break i just realized that i wasnt happy and i was sick of feeling that way. I dont really know what changes i made but basically i told myself that i wasnt going to live to anyone elses standards or expectations. I decided to really look inside for the answers. its worked out really well so far. i am more comfortable being on my own and i make more decisions based on what i want not what i think i 'should' do.
oh yea and i broke up with gary, boyfriend on and off for four years. they were good they were bad but now they are over. im not sure if it was right or wrong but i feel good. i feel stronger. i miss him and i miss the safety and comfort and all the good stuff but all in all im not sad. meanwhile i am sort of seeing matt but they are two separate worlds to me. well to be honest everyone is a separate world to me. anyway im proud of myself. i went to these workout classes at the rec all by myself!! i went grocery shopping by myself and i paid for my own groceries! i got a freelance online job thingy thats a long story but anyway i did it by myself! im becoming so much stronger and more comfortable just doing what i want.
i have realized that the world is just some crazy messed up place of people doing what they do as a product of a bunch of other shit. does that make sense? well in my head it seems like the answer. who cares what the answers are? who even created those questions anyway. im just kind of doing my own thing, trying to find some self esteem and confidence.
classes are great, im taking entomology, floral design, plant pathology, running, pilates, three labs and a lecture class thing. im talking to strangers without any expectations, i just want to pass on a little peace.


you have to realize that you are responsible for where you are at and for where your life is at. how you are is the result of your past decisions and if you dont like the way you are, you can, with little effort of will, change your decisions for a while and you will change into being another way.
you have to do it inside yourself; a good moral structure imposed from the outside is totalitarianism. if you do it, you'll hook in with other folks doing it. you have to make interior decisions when nobody's looking; all by yourself, in your head, take full responsibility for what you are about to do and do the best you can. and after you do it awhile youll begin to expect it of yourself.

what a hypocrite

although ive always hated on blogging... im doing it for team team. and i guess for myself. since its the new year ill copy julie and think about some new years resolutions. god i swear sometimes that julie and i are the same person.

my lifes pretty fucked up right now but im trying my best to ignore it. see i think everyones life is probably fucked up they just dont care as much. i seem to care way more about every little thing that ever crosses my mind. so my new years goal is to be a little more apathetic. probably a little different than most peoples resolutions but who the fuck cares. see im doing well already! im also going to try to be a little more selfish. like instead of doing what makes gary happy, or what makes my mom happy, or what looks good to people around me, im just gonna go ahead and do what makes me happy. even if its an impulsive mistake. so my second goal is to make a mistake. it shouldnt be that hard.

i want to make my own happiness. and be independent. and not cry everytime someone hurts my feelings. im going to tough shit out. lifes a lot more difficult than they taught you in elementary school. what the fuck is up with that!! we need to teach kids some practical information, i swear i didnt learn a thing in public school, just the disney version of life. god im a cynic. okay my third resolution is to be more upbeat! fuck yea!