starting me new job tmrw

JOB-8 am johnny carinos! i hope this job doesnt suck. i hope im good at waiting tables. i hope i make a lot of money. i will keep you updated how this new endeavor works out for me.

BOYFRIEND- uhhhhh so sick of the distance. so sick of dating a manly man. im not sure if im making the right decision staying with mathew. i think i need too much from him than he is able to give. late at night when im feeling weird and alone i think i should be able to call my boyfriend and find some comfort and reassurance. right? but instead he tells me that i need it all the time and he cant keep up. i dont think im that needy. i fucking live two hours away right? how much could i really be draining from him?

FAMILY- i am not close to my family really. they dont know that i am a huge stoner hippie. and that really is who i am.

APARTMENT- i have been stalking craigslist for days now trying to find the right furniture for my new apartment that i move into aug 21st!! but sadly ive come up empty handed so far but i mean i have allll summer so im bound to find something.

SELF ESTEEM- lately ive felt horrible about myself. not thin enough. fat legs. not cool enough. i hate it. and mathew does nothing to help me out. i swear ive called him sexy like three times in the past week. he tells me occasionally that i look cute or something like that in passing but he has never made me feel like i am the most beautiful girl in the world. neither in face or body. i will never forget that he said he wouldnt mind if i lost 30 lbs. wouldnt mind?!?! uhhh whatever. i know im pretty enough but sometimes i wish i were someone else.

SCHOOL- feels weird not to be in school. my brain is going to turn on me soon i know it. i hope i take summer II history but im not sure i want to see how my job works out.\

julie i hope your having a blast in amsterdam. you better be munching down some mad brownies.
natalie i cant wait to see you and your big belly. hope all is well with your little family!!

in limbo

blaaaaahhh oh no its happening again. i thought that i was done with the two boy drama. i broke things off with gary and exclusively dated mathew this semester. it was all going really well until these past two weeks. since im out of school ive spent this whole time in austin with mathew and we went to cs together for two nights and it was all lovely. but now im realizing im bored. im so over him not having a job or a car. and im so over that the answer to all my questions is half assed bullshit. blah he is so clueless. and to complicate matters (or maybe this is what sprung the dissatisfaction with matt) gary still has feelings for me and took the time to tell me. so here i am all confused again. gary is so accomplished and kind and generous. he is thoughtful and sensitive to the point of annoying but i mean what kind of fault is that. and he loves me so unconditionally. my mom said to me that a love like garys is something most people dont find. and thats true. help me. i hate being 20. i hate being uncertain. i hate it!!!!!!!! my brain is going crazy on me. boys :(

but yay i got a 1500$ scholarship! that means i am 750$ away from having all my tuition paid! YAY!

ALSO im seeing julie today for lunch and im sooooooooooooooooo happy!

also im still confused about my love life. and happy bc kyle will be staying in cs this summer. no jkr!